Ooh, Shiny...

So apparently the world is currently obsessed with sparkly vampires. And it's about time, I say. Scary vampires or those with emotional depth... that's so 1990s. Everyone knows shiny things always trump all. Anyway, because I needed to appeal to the hip youngsters and understand what they were talking about when they mentioned something called a "Cullen," I set out to read the books. Although I lost the will to live about 100 pages into the second book, I somehow managed to read the first three. Come on, it's Idaho. Like there's anything else to do. It's either commit suicide or read books about brooding undead guys.

The first book wasn't horrible. Apart from the heroine Bella being so stupid that she can't breathe around hot guys and being told 317 times that Edward, her sparkly vampire lover, had a marble chest, some things happened. Like Bella fell on her ass. Then Edward did something creepy that Bella found irresistible. Bella found it so irresistible that she fell on her ass again. Edward liked this effect so he was creepy again. Then they talked. I think this may have happened a few times. And then Bella literally tripped over her words and fell on her ass again. Rival vampire knocks Bella on her ass, Edward saves her because apparently he's a masochist, Bella and Edward decide that creepiness and ass bruises are hot so they fall in love, and the book ends.

Stuff happens in the second book. A werewolf comes in, but we don't really care about him because he's not sparkly and he doesn't have a marble chest. The book ends the same way as the first one. Bella and Edward are hopelessly drawn to each other's inherent boring-ness.

The third book was okay. It taught me that Edward is a girl who doesn't want to be deflowered until Bella puts a ring on it. Bella doesn't want a ring. She wants to steal Edward's innocence. Edward doesn't want to kill her with the vampire loving. Apparently shiny people like it rough. Bella agrees to put a ring on it so that she can get down like a shiny person. The werewolf cries because Bella wants to turn into a vampire and have a marble chest herself.

I haven't read the fourth book, but the plot is so ludicrous that it makes my childhood dream of being a dinosaur seem like an attainable goal. Bella and Edward have a vampire-human baby and the werewolf instantly falls in love. Who wouldn't, really? They're actually making the fourth Twilight book into a movie. I guess it will be groundbreaking stuff in the werewolf-baby love genre. (*movie voiceover guy* The touching tale of misunderstood love between an Alpo-holic & a half human/half vampire baby whose existence is biologically impossible...) It will win Oscars, this one. Believe you me! The final Twilight movie: More than just a two hour laxative ad...