President Michelle

Because I think all of the politicians in Washington have the intellectual capacity of a Post-It note and the moral fiber of OJ Simpson, I've decided it's high time I run for office. I'm sure I would win upwards of 12 votes. My campaign would clearly be a resounding success. Here are the main points I would focus on:

1) Apolo Ohno soul patch awareness. This is an issue I feel very strongly about. In our society, we are so prejudiced against the 'roided up soul patch. What is that all about? I thought we had moved past facial hair discrimination when we allowed ZZ Top to grow their beards. Soul patches come in all shapes and sizes. When were we disciplined for daring to dream big? Isn't that the American way?!

2) Peace between crunchy peanut butter fans and creamy peanut butter fans. There is such discord in the peanut butter community. You would think something as inherently beautiful of a scoop of PB would unite the world; alas, there is perpetual fighting between the pro-chunk and pro-light and fluffy crowds. There are protests outside Jif headquarters daily. Smooth advocates show pictures of abandoned peanut chunks that never made it into the jar. It's disgusting. We need to do something about it.

3) Not dating. Dating puts people out of their comfort zones. They actually have to talk to people. They have to feign interest in someone's 17 goldfish, all named after Star Wars characters. They have to miss that night's episode of Golden Girls. They have to wear pants. This has to stop! We should just meet someone in the line at the grocery store, bond over our preference for dill pickles, and get married.

4) The replacing of our currency with Play-Doh. I don't know why this wasn't done earlier. And Play-Doh dinosaurs are worth more than Play-Doh snakes. Play-Doh balls can only be used to purchase gum.

5) The science necessary to turn Disney princes into real people. But Prince Eric is mine, bitches. Hands off.