So as is generally the case in my life, when something has me down, I make as much fun of it as possible. This includes my crappy post-college grad job at Lowe's. I decided to write a book about it. It will likely never be published, but that will lead to my next book: Why Will Publishers Print Twilight and Not My Ingenious Literary Endeavors? Anyway, here are the prologue and the first chapter. They're short. Enjoy them. Commiserate with me. Continue to not read Twilight.
Prologue - So You’ve Landed a Retail Job
Maybe you’re a high school student landing your very first job. Maybe you’re a college student just trying to afford those books you’re never going to read. Maybe you’ve just graduated college and your philosophy degree is not appealing to employers. Maybe you’re just trying to make ends meet. Either way, you’ve found yourself in a retail job.
As you don your brightly colored smock, you sit down in the training room ready to embark on your new, exciting, slightly above minimum wage job. You’re not sure what to expect. I’m here to help ease you into this jarring experience, and tell you just what you need to do to stay alive.
Chapter One - Staying Awake During Training
In your first few hours, days, or weeks, depending on how much your employer enjoys wasting the time of new employees, you will be training. You’ll probably be with a group of other unfortunates who find themselves in the same break room, getting ready to fill out W-2’s and drown their sorrows in a jar of peanut butter later. You’ll awkwardly play “My Life Story in 20 Seconds,” where one person will inevitably share way too much, and those nearest that person will subtly move their chairs away and pretend to be very interested in the clicky pen they were just given.
As soon as this session of TMI 101 and filling out paperwork that no one actually reads is finished, it’s time for the intro video. This video will undoubtedly be hosted by someone who took 25 anti-depression pills or just drank 35 quarts of Kool-Aid. It depends on whether or not their random employee drug tests are going to be administered any time soon.
The video will cover the amazing benefits of the health insurance they offer. A deductible of only $150,000! After working there for a period of only 57 years, you’ll be able to cover that! If you’re part-time, you won’t be eligible. You will, however, get an exciting partial-benefit. You’ll get more information on this later.
It will also cover the best way to approach customer service. Armed with the smile of a homicidal clown, the host will ask each customer will the enthusiasm of a coked up Mr. Rogers if they need any help. The customer will ask them something, and the host will immediately know every single detail of all the products available. He will spew out more information than an encyclopedia article on the topic will produce. Finally, he will thank the customer and tell them to come again. The tone of his voice is reassuring. It carries with it an air of, “Come again, so we can harvest your organs.”
He will then introduce the exact same scenario 37 times. Three days later, it will finish and you will be given a quiz. This will consist of everyone exchanging answers after the training manager leaves the room. Everyone will miraculously get 100%. The hiring manager will be extremely impressed. This is one of the best training sessions they’ve ever administered!
Not too long after this, you’ll be shown the loss prevention video. You are told that you are never, under any circumstances, to follow someone who set off the EAS alarm to their car. You are also definitely not supposed to get into your car and follow them home. This is unacceptable behavior. You’re also not supposed to tackle them. I mean, geeze, people, where do you get these ideas? It’s clear that these training sessions are designed for fiends such as yourselves.
The loss prevention video will also show you that it’s never a good idea to steal from your company. The manager administering the video will then mean to subtly scan the room for signs of fear or defiance, but they will be the only person to actually think no one notices. They’re trying to weed out the bad ones. The ones who will have the audacity to put a dresser in their pocket when no one’s looking. Those are the ones they want to watch out for.
After instilling the fear of the gods of retail management in you, it’s time for the store tour. You really won’t pay attention because you’ll either still be quaking in your boots from the loss prevention video or you’ll be too busy wondering what went wrong in your life that led you to this point in your life: A tour showcasing all the customers with telephone poles up their butts who you’ll be serving, the crappy products you have to pretend to believe in, and that creepy guy hanging out in the bathing suit section.
Congratulations, though. You’ve finished the basics. Now it’s time to learn the intricacies of operating a cash register. It’s a drawn out procedure, complete with a variety of curve balls thrown your way. Five minutes later, you’re a master. You can now embark on your exciting new career.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I miss BS University
You know, I always thought that once I graduated college, I'd just be stoked. No more all nighters, no more eating popcorn with crackers and trying to justify that as a real meal, and no more taking a mortgage out on my life to pay for books. You know, when I was a stupid freshman and actually BOUGHT books. Alas, there are many things I've been missing about it since graduating. Here are a few examples.
1. Trying to find topical youtube videos to watch in order to say that it really was studying. "What? I was studying for a media law and ethics class and watching an special on the civilization living within Geraldo Rivera's mustache!"
2. Finding various ways to steal cups from the dorm cafeteria. Mostly this just consisted of taking a crapload of cups filled with Gatorade and sitting right next to the jocks like I was one of them. The only thing that didn't look right was a five foot three white girl sitting with the men's basketball team. They were so drunk they didn't notice anyway.
3. Finding appropriate side dishes for Ramen. Mostly this consisted of more Ramen... and sometimes a stolen ketchup packet. And they say college kids don't get their daily recommended intake of fruits and vegetables. Pff!
4. Finding ways to get around never buying my textbooks. This was usually accomplished by using my sexuality to my advantage. Or at least that's what I said. Usually I just promised to do half of a group project just so I could copy all the pages of the book... and then never read them. I just included Bob Saget in all of my essay questions and the power of Danny Tanner got me a passing grade.
5. Buying 4 pints of Ben & Jerry's a week and then complaining that I didn't have enough money for food.
6. Compensating for number five by trying each kind of food in the cafeteria and then promptly getting food poisoning.
7. Stealing forks to get even for number 6. Note to future cafeteria thieves: It's not a good idea to put them in your pants pocket. I mean, unless you need to practice for your upcoming roommate assignment with Hannibal Lector.
8. Going to bed at four AM for no discernable reason. All I'd remember was some youtube video with a trumpet-playing dog and an infomercial on pipe-cutting knives.
9. Asking myself the question, "What would Conan do?" before every major decision. Then I'd just end up putting on a wolf puppet and insulting everyone.
10. Packing up at the end of a school year and wondering where the hell all of my socks went. Then blaming my roommates because I knew deep down, they were sock fiends.
1. Trying to find topical youtube videos to watch in order to say that it really was studying. "What? I was studying for a media law and ethics class and watching an special on the civilization living within Geraldo Rivera's mustache!"
2. Finding various ways to steal cups from the dorm cafeteria. Mostly this just consisted of taking a crapload of cups filled with Gatorade and sitting right next to the jocks like I was one of them. The only thing that didn't look right was a five foot three white girl sitting with the men's basketball team. They were so drunk they didn't notice anyway.
3. Finding appropriate side dishes for Ramen. Mostly this consisted of more Ramen... and sometimes a stolen ketchup packet. And they say college kids don't get their daily recommended intake of fruits and vegetables. Pff!
4. Finding ways to get around never buying my textbooks. This was usually accomplished by using my sexuality to my advantage. Or at least that's what I said. Usually I just promised to do half of a group project just so I could copy all the pages of the book... and then never read them. I just included Bob Saget in all of my essay questions and the power of Danny Tanner got me a passing grade.
5. Buying 4 pints of Ben & Jerry's a week and then complaining that I didn't have enough money for food.
6. Compensating for number five by trying each kind of food in the cafeteria and then promptly getting food poisoning.
7. Stealing forks to get even for number 6. Note to future cafeteria thieves: It's not a good idea to put them in your pants pocket. I mean, unless you need to practice for your upcoming roommate assignment with Hannibal Lector.
8. Going to bed at four AM for no discernable reason. All I'd remember was some youtube video with a trumpet-playing dog and an infomercial on pipe-cutting knives.
9. Asking myself the question, "What would Conan do?" before every major decision. Then I'd just end up putting on a wolf puppet and insulting everyone.
10. Packing up at the end of a school year and wondering where the hell all of my socks went. Then blaming my roommates because I knew deep down, they were sock fiends.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Home Sweet Home
So being forced to move back in with one's parents in the year or so following graduation to save up may severely bite, particularly if one is returning to the town where cows and chickens could form an uprising and have a revolution at any point. However, I have found a few things about this recent development to wholeheartedly enjoy.
First of all, there's are the wonderful tips that my dad gives me.
"Michelle, there's a red light. You have to stop up there."
"Michelle, it's steak. You need a knife."
"Michelle, the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty. Don't get any out of there."
"Yeah, Dad, there are, like, three dishes in there. And I put them in there about two minutes ago..."
"Just making sure you didn't think Mom had washed them."
"No, Dad."
"Michelle, the trunk of your car is locked. What you need to do is pop the trunk hatch."
In case you haven't noticed, I think my dad failed to attend my kindergarten graduation. As a result, I'm fairly certain he believes I have the intellectual capacity of five year old Michelle. This is debatable. I'm not sure which side I stand on.
Secondly, I quite enjoy the fact that I get to be around Stinky once again. Stinky is the crankiest middle-aged cat this side of Garfield, except she doesn't have a dog to beat up on, so she uses me. She's an odd cat. She stands at the back screen door wanting someone to come out and pet her. As soon as we come out, she runs away. We go back inside the close the door. She returns. We open the door; she runs away. Repeat until one of us gets bored. It's usually Stinky. She's found a grasshopper to dismember.
The other thing she loves to do is go eat grass as soon as I pour her food. I'm not sure if she has body image issues and feels unsatisfied with her aging, saggy physique, or if she's just a snobby vegan. I'm fairly convinced of the latter. She frequently tips her food over and glares at it. For someone who eats grasshoppers and moths more than she takes a nap throughout the day, she sure is picky. I can't blame her. I can't imagine what cat menopause is like, especially without a male cat to slap across the face and blame for everything.
Finally, I enjoy that my monthly costs only add up to $500: $200 for rent, $50 for cable, $150 for my student loan repayment, and $100 for food, toiletries, and when I don't feel like siphoning gas from cop cars. This helps me save $400/$500 a month from my impressive minimum wage cashier job. I'm the envy of high school students everywhere. College has totally paid off. It will help me save up to plague whichever country I decide is my next stop, though. I'll be sure to tell you where I decide to go so you can make sure to be as far away as possible. I might make a few stops the next few years, though. I'll give you more than enough heads up... if I feel like it. Consider yourself warned, foreign friends.
I have to go. Sharks are doing stuff on TV. It demands my utmost attention!
First of all, there's are the wonderful tips that my dad gives me.
"Michelle, there's a red light. You have to stop up there."
"Michelle, it's steak. You need a knife."
"Michelle, the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty. Don't get any out of there."
"Yeah, Dad, there are, like, three dishes in there. And I put them in there about two minutes ago..."
"Just making sure you didn't think Mom had washed them."
"No, Dad."
"Michelle, the trunk of your car is locked. What you need to do is pop the trunk hatch."
In case you haven't noticed, I think my dad failed to attend my kindergarten graduation. As a result, I'm fairly certain he believes I have the intellectual capacity of five year old Michelle. This is debatable. I'm not sure which side I stand on.
Secondly, I quite enjoy the fact that I get to be around Stinky once again. Stinky is the crankiest middle-aged cat this side of Garfield, except she doesn't have a dog to beat up on, so she uses me. She's an odd cat. She stands at the back screen door wanting someone to come out and pet her. As soon as we come out, she runs away. We go back inside the close the door. She returns. We open the door; she runs away. Repeat until one of us gets bored. It's usually Stinky. She's found a grasshopper to dismember.
The other thing she loves to do is go eat grass as soon as I pour her food. I'm not sure if she has body image issues and feels unsatisfied with her aging, saggy physique, or if she's just a snobby vegan. I'm fairly convinced of the latter. She frequently tips her food over and glares at it. For someone who eats grasshoppers and moths more than she takes a nap throughout the day, she sure is picky. I can't blame her. I can't imagine what cat menopause is like, especially without a male cat to slap across the face and blame for everything.
Finally, I enjoy that my monthly costs only add up to $500: $200 for rent, $50 for cable, $150 for my student loan repayment, and $100 for food, toiletries, and when I don't feel like siphoning gas from cop cars. This helps me save $400/$500 a month from my impressive minimum wage cashier job. I'm the envy of high school students everywhere. College has totally paid off. It will help me save up to plague whichever country I decide is my next stop, though. I'll be sure to tell you where I decide to go so you can make sure to be as far away as possible. I might make a few stops the next few years, though. I'll give you more than enough heads up... if I feel like it. Consider yourself warned, foreign friends.
I have to go. Sharks are doing stuff on TV. It demands my utmost attention!
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