Overheard/Witnessed at the Water Cooler

As annoying as my job can sometimes be, the moments of hilarity and realizations that we can come together at sucking at life make it all better. Here are some fun things overheard at "the water cooler:"



Director who's doing his first show by himself: Five minutes til the train wreck, five minutes til the train wreck.

Another op shortly after: Four minutes until we go to black and never come back?

Director about the sports anchor: Stop moving so we can get the shot. Stop moving so we can get the shot. WHAT IS HE DOING?!

Director: Three minutes til the shot on two with mics and music. After that we will be rolling news. (repeats himself)
Another op: I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I have no idea what I need to be doing.
Director: (repeats himself)
Three more ops ask him to repeat himself. Director gets mad. We all wonder why we have jobs.

Director: (sarcastically) Wow, that's a great shot camera two.
Camera two op: (tilts camera up all the way and zooms in on studio lights) Is that better?

Camera op: Are you guys on your marks?
Anchor: Yeah.
Camera op: The shot looks weird. Can you move at all?
Anchor: It's not our job to work with you. You have to work with the talent.

Sports guy: I kind of need to be in the shot.
Camera op: No one wants to see that...

Master Control Op (during weather report after anchor has used this word at least 12 times): Is tonight's weather report sponsored by the word 'pesky?'"

Director (referencing problems with the weather wall making anchors green): It looks like she has boogers in her hair...

Camera op: We really need more pirate directors.
Master control op: (Tries to sound like pirate; fails miserably.)
Camera op: I didn't say we needed Sean Connery to direct.
(For the rest of the show, master control op counts down back to the news like Sean Connery.)

Director: Camera one, once you stop shaking, that will be a good shot.
Camera one op: I can't help it. I'm so excited about the news!!!!

(Camera op is doing a mic check on the sports mic. Audio can hear her just fine.)
Audio op: I'm sorry. I'm not getting anything here.
Camera op: Testing... testing... testing... are you getting anything?
Audio op: No, I'm not...
(Repeat for three minutes.)

(The Victoria's Secret fashion show is on before the news.)
Camera op: I think we need a drop cloth here in the studio...
Director: We need one in here, too.

Director: That's an interesting shot camera two. (It's zoomed in on anchor's nostril.)
Camera op: I think it looks awesome. We're going for a new and edgy look.

Director: (shuts off his headset mic and looks at me) God, she is an IDIOT. (turns it back on and is as cheerful as ever to camera op he was talking about)

Ooh, Shiny...

So apparently the world is currently obsessed with sparkly vampires. And it's about time, I say. Scary vampires or those with emotional depth... that's so 1990s. Everyone knows shiny things always trump all. Anyway, because I needed to appeal to the hip youngsters and understand what they were talking about when they mentioned something called a "Cullen," I set out to read the books. Although I lost the will to live about 100 pages into the second book, I somehow managed to read the first three. Come on, it's Idaho. Like there's anything else to do. It's either commit suicide or read books about brooding undead guys.

The first book wasn't horrible. Apart from the heroine Bella being so stupid that she can't breathe around hot guys and being told 317 times that Edward, her sparkly vampire lover, had a marble chest, some things happened. Like Bella fell on her ass. Then Edward did something creepy that Bella found irresistible. Bella found it so irresistible that she fell on her ass again. Edward liked this effect so he was creepy again. Then they talked. I think this may have happened a few times. And then Bella literally tripped over her words and fell on her ass again. Rival vampire knocks Bella on her ass, Edward saves her because apparently he's a masochist, Bella and Edward decide that creepiness and ass bruises are hot so they fall in love, and the book ends.

Stuff happens in the second book. A werewolf comes in, but we don't really care about him because he's not sparkly and he doesn't have a marble chest. The book ends the same way as the first one. Bella and Edward are hopelessly drawn to each other's inherent boring-ness.

The third book was okay. It taught me that Edward is a girl who doesn't want to be deflowered until Bella puts a ring on it. Bella doesn't want a ring. She wants to steal Edward's innocence. Edward doesn't want to kill her with the vampire loving. Apparently shiny people like it rough. Bella agrees to put a ring on it so that she can get down like a shiny person. The werewolf cries because Bella wants to turn into a vampire and have a marble chest herself.

I haven't read the fourth book, but the plot is so ludicrous that it makes my childhood dream of being a dinosaur seem like an attainable goal. Bella and Edward have a vampire-human baby and the werewolf instantly falls in love. Who wouldn't, really? They're actually making the fourth Twilight book into a movie. I guess it will be groundbreaking stuff in the werewolf-baby love genre. (*movie voiceover guy* The touching tale of misunderstood love between an Alpo-holic & a half human/half vampire baby whose existence is biologically impossible...) It will win Oscars, this one. Believe you me! The final Twilight movie: More than just a two hour laxative ad...

Get to know your coworkers survey! Oh Lowe's, you should've known better...

So Friday is my last day at Lowe's. It's a long story. I wasn't fired, I didn't REALLY quit, but I wasn't laid off. Figure that one out. Anyway, they just sent out a "get to know your coworkers" survey. Since I'm about done anyway, I filled it out honestly. Here's a transcript. Enjoy!



Name on birth certificate: PeeWee Herman, III
Date / location when started with Lowe's: 05/2009; cashier
Positions held / locations worked in: Glorified customer ass-kisser

Where were you born? Bonners Ferry, ID
Where have you lived? Bonners Ferry; Kailua-Kona, HI; Twin Falls; Boise; Torino, Italy
What school did you attend and what did you study? Boise State, journalism (BA); University of Torino (study abroad)
What is your work background? Newspapers, radio station, television station, RA, receiving at Abercrombie
Describe your family: We should not be allowed to reproduce.
What is your most embarrassing moment? Admitting I liked a Britney Spears song.
Have you ever broken any bones? Yep... oh, do you mean my own?
Can you speak any other languages? Spanish, Italian, little bit of French
If you could meet one person (living or dead) who would it be? Elvis' hairstylist
Why were you given your particular name? Because Paul McCartney wrote a song about me.
How many brothers and sisters do you have? 24 brothers, one sister
What is your favorite thing to do? Not be here
What is your favorite food? The pizza from the pizzeria below our apartment in Italy
What is your favorite book? Temporary Insanity by Jay Johnstone
What is your favorite sport? Baseball
What is your favorite kind of music? 60s and 70s, stuff Paul McCartney does
What place would you like to visit? Australia or Robert Plant's hair
What is your favorite thing about yourself? The fact that I didn't kill myself while working here
What do you dislike about yourself? My elbows
What is one thing you would like others to know about you? At Lowe's: Even though I'm a lowly woman, I can do more than cashier.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A dinosaur
What are three adjectives which describe you? Weird, intelligent, frightening
How would your friend describe you to someone who has never seen you? Short, plump, with a Don King hairdo
Where do you see yourself in five years? Married to Conan O'Brien; world class lady comedian with my own show
What are your favorite subjects in school? English, history, staring at people until they get uncomfortable
When you have an hour of free time, what do you like to do? Wish I was the fifth Beatle
What is your favorite movie? Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
What is the strangest thing you ever did? Accepted a job here
What is the strangest food you ever ate? Something I cooked
What was your first job ever? Housesitting for the neighbors
What was your worst job ever? (answer this with caution... lol) This craphole