The Argument FOR Barry Bonds (aka "Michelle is High")

OMG, Michelle's saying a good thing about a former Giant? Doesn't that make her unworthy to wear an A's hat? Shed up. You try living in a family full of Giants fans and getting out alive if you say anything bad about Barry. Bonds, that is. I would never think of saying anything bad about Barry Zito. Even if he went over to the dark side, he's still just as insane, flaky, and occasionally awesome as always. Plus I secretly think he could take over the world with his curve ball, and I'm just covering my bases. I don't want to be on his bad side.

Anyway, while I have lovingly referred to Bonds as Barroid many a time, I got into a heated debate with one of my coworkers a couple of weeks ago about this. Mostly he yelled and didn't let me say anything, so it wasn't really an argument. It was me wondering if said coworker actually could explode. I still maintain it's going to happen one day. But he didn't let me make my case for Barroid. Here we go...

1) Before he turned into The Incredible Bulk, he was pretty amazing. Gold Glove winner, five tool player, 40/40 guy, only dude to get to 500 home runs/500 steals (although the 500th home run came after the bulking, he would have gotten there regardless), and just generally very kickass, well rounded player.

2) I think people underestimate the prevalence of steroid usage in baseball. You really think none of the pitchers he was facing were also juicing? Come on, let's put down the Sesame Street juice box and stop being so naive.

3) Roiding up doesn't necessarily make you the best baseball player since Bugs Bunny. Look at Ken Caminiti. Decent? Yes. Barroid? No. So you have to have pre-existing talent. If I started roiding up, it's not like I'd be able to hit 500 home runs. I'd still swing and miss repeatedly. And then wonder why I've suddenly grown a beard.

4) A lot of people say that they're angry that he was using because the record means nothing now. They hate him for that. Yet it's an extremely strong possibility that A-Rod will break the home run record, too, he was also found to be using, and apparently no one cares. So there goes that argument out the window.

5) Let's face it. The main reason people hate him so much is because he hates the media. And the media retaliated. We're all too busy believing whatever nonsense we read, hear on the radio, or watch on ESPN. Also, as a west coast player, he is inconsequential in national media. ESPN's Baseball Tonight should be called "How Cute Was Derek Jeter Tonight? Oh, And We All Want to Be David Ortiz... What? There Are Other Teams in MLB? Whatever. You Lie." But clearly that's too long.



I rest my case.

President Michelle

Because I think all of the politicians in Washington have the intellectual capacity of a Post-It note and the moral fiber of OJ Simpson, I've decided it's high time I run for office. I'm sure I would win upwards of 12 votes. My campaign would clearly be a resounding success. Here are the main points I would focus on:

1) Apolo Ohno soul patch awareness. This is an issue I feel very strongly about. In our society, we are so prejudiced against the 'roided up soul patch. What is that all about? I thought we had moved past facial hair discrimination when we allowed ZZ Top to grow their beards. Soul patches come in all shapes and sizes. When were we disciplined for daring to dream big? Isn't that the American way?!

2) Peace between crunchy peanut butter fans and creamy peanut butter fans. There is such discord in the peanut butter community. You would think something as inherently beautiful of a scoop of PB would unite the world; alas, there is perpetual fighting between the pro-chunk and pro-light and fluffy crowds. There are protests outside Jif headquarters daily. Smooth advocates show pictures of abandoned peanut chunks that never made it into the jar. It's disgusting. We need to do something about it.

3) Not dating. Dating puts people out of their comfort zones. They actually have to talk to people. They have to feign interest in someone's 17 goldfish, all named after Star Wars characters. They have to miss that night's episode of Golden Girls. They have to wear pants. This has to stop! We should just meet someone in the line at the grocery store, bond over our preference for dill pickles, and get married.

4) The replacing of our currency with Play-Doh. I don't know why this wasn't done earlier. And Play-Doh dinosaurs are worth more than Play-Doh snakes. Play-Doh balls can only be used to purchase gum.

5) The science necessary to turn Disney princes into real people. But Prince Eric is mine, bitches. Hands off.

Overheard/Witnessed at the Water Cooler

As annoying as my job can sometimes be, the moments of hilarity and realizations that we can come together at sucking at life make it all better. Here are some fun things overheard at "the water cooler:"



Director who's doing his first show by himself: Five minutes til the train wreck, five minutes til the train wreck.

Another op shortly after: Four minutes until we go to black and never come back?

Director about the sports anchor: Stop moving so we can get the shot. Stop moving so we can get the shot. WHAT IS HE DOING?!

Director: Three minutes til the shot on two with mics and music. After that we will be rolling news. (repeats himself)
Another op: I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I have no idea what I need to be doing.
Director: (repeats himself)
Three more ops ask him to repeat himself. Director gets mad. We all wonder why we have jobs.

Director: (sarcastically) Wow, that's a great shot camera two.
Camera two op: (tilts camera up all the way and zooms in on studio lights) Is that better?

Camera op: Are you guys on your marks?
Anchor: Yeah.
Camera op: The shot looks weird. Can you move at all?
Anchor: It's not our job to work with you. You have to work with the talent.

Sports guy: I kind of need to be in the shot.
Camera op: No one wants to see that...

Master Control Op (during weather report after anchor has used this word at least 12 times): Is tonight's weather report sponsored by the word 'pesky?'"

Director (referencing problems with the weather wall making anchors green): It looks like she has boogers in her hair...

Camera op: We really need more pirate directors.
Master control op: (Tries to sound like pirate; fails miserably.)
Camera op: I didn't say we needed Sean Connery to direct.
(For the rest of the show, master control op counts down back to the news like Sean Connery.)

Director: Camera one, once you stop shaking, that will be a good shot.
Camera one op: I can't help it. I'm so excited about the news!!!!

(Camera op is doing a mic check on the sports mic. Audio can hear her just fine.)
Audio op: I'm sorry. I'm not getting anything here.
Camera op: Testing... testing... testing... are you getting anything?
Audio op: No, I'm not...
(Repeat for three minutes.)

(The Victoria's Secret fashion show is on before the news.)
Camera op: I think we need a drop cloth here in the studio...
Director: We need one in here, too.

Director: That's an interesting shot camera two. (It's zoomed in on anchor's nostril.)
Camera op: I think it looks awesome. We're going for a new and edgy look.

Director: (shuts off his headset mic and looks at me) God, she is an IDIOT. (turns it back on and is as cheerful as ever to camera op he was talking about)

Ooh, Shiny...

So apparently the world is currently obsessed with sparkly vampires. And it's about time, I say. Scary vampires or those with emotional depth... that's so 1990s. Everyone knows shiny things always trump all. Anyway, because I needed to appeal to the hip youngsters and understand what they were talking about when they mentioned something called a "Cullen," I set out to read the books. Although I lost the will to live about 100 pages into the second book, I somehow managed to read the first three. Come on, it's Idaho. Like there's anything else to do. It's either commit suicide or read books about brooding undead guys.

The first book wasn't horrible. Apart from the heroine Bella being so stupid that she can't breathe around hot guys and being told 317 times that Edward, her sparkly vampire lover, had a marble chest, some things happened. Like Bella fell on her ass. Then Edward did something creepy that Bella found irresistible. Bella found it so irresistible that she fell on her ass again. Edward liked this effect so he was creepy again. Then they talked. I think this may have happened a few times. And then Bella literally tripped over her words and fell on her ass again. Rival vampire knocks Bella on her ass, Edward saves her because apparently he's a masochist, Bella and Edward decide that creepiness and ass bruises are hot so they fall in love, and the book ends.

Stuff happens in the second book. A werewolf comes in, but we don't really care about him because he's not sparkly and he doesn't have a marble chest. The book ends the same way as the first one. Bella and Edward are hopelessly drawn to each other's inherent boring-ness.

The third book was okay. It taught me that Edward is a girl who doesn't want to be deflowered until Bella puts a ring on it. Bella doesn't want a ring. She wants to steal Edward's innocence. Edward doesn't want to kill her with the vampire loving. Apparently shiny people like it rough. Bella agrees to put a ring on it so that she can get down like a shiny person. The werewolf cries because Bella wants to turn into a vampire and have a marble chest herself.

I haven't read the fourth book, but the plot is so ludicrous that it makes my childhood dream of being a dinosaur seem like an attainable goal. Bella and Edward have a vampire-human baby and the werewolf instantly falls in love. Who wouldn't, really? They're actually making the fourth Twilight book into a movie. I guess it will be groundbreaking stuff in the werewolf-baby love genre. (*movie voiceover guy* The touching tale of misunderstood love between an Alpo-holic & a half human/half vampire baby whose existence is biologically impossible...) It will win Oscars, this one. Believe you me! The final Twilight movie: More than just a two hour laxative ad...

Get to know your coworkers survey! Oh Lowe's, you should've known better...

So Friday is my last day at Lowe's. It's a long story. I wasn't fired, I didn't REALLY quit, but I wasn't laid off. Figure that one out. Anyway, they just sent out a "get to know your coworkers" survey. Since I'm about done anyway, I filled it out honestly. Here's a transcript. Enjoy!



Name on birth certificate: PeeWee Herman, III
Date / location when started with Lowe's: 05/2009; cashier
Positions held / locations worked in: Glorified customer ass-kisser

Where were you born? Bonners Ferry, ID
Where have you lived? Bonners Ferry; Kailua-Kona, HI; Twin Falls; Boise; Torino, Italy
What school did you attend and what did you study? Boise State, journalism (BA); University of Torino (study abroad)
What is your work background? Newspapers, radio station, television station, RA, receiving at Abercrombie
Describe your family: We should not be allowed to reproduce.
What is your most embarrassing moment? Admitting I liked a Britney Spears song.
Have you ever broken any bones? Yep... oh, do you mean my own?
Can you speak any other languages? Spanish, Italian, little bit of French
If you could meet one person (living or dead) who would it be? Elvis' hairstylist
Why were you given your particular name? Because Paul McCartney wrote a song about me.
How many brothers and sisters do you have? 24 brothers, one sister
What is your favorite thing to do? Not be here
What is your favorite food? The pizza from the pizzeria below our apartment in Italy
What is your favorite book? Temporary Insanity by Jay Johnstone
What is your favorite sport? Baseball
What is your favorite kind of music? 60s and 70s, stuff Paul McCartney does
What place would you like to visit? Australia or Robert Plant's hair
What is your favorite thing about yourself? The fact that I didn't kill myself while working here
What do you dislike about yourself? My elbows
What is one thing you would like others to know about you? At Lowe's: Even though I'm a lowly woman, I can do more than cashier.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A dinosaur
What are three adjectives which describe you? Weird, intelligent, frightening
How would your friend describe you to someone who has never seen you? Short, plump, with a Don King hairdo
Where do you see yourself in five years? Married to Conan O'Brien; world class lady comedian with my own show
What are your favorite subjects in school? English, history, staring at people until they get uncomfortable
When you have an hour of free time, what do you like to do? Wish I was the fifth Beatle
What is your favorite movie? Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
What is the strangest thing you ever did? Accepted a job here
What is the strangest food you ever ate? Something I cooked
What was your first job ever? Housesitting for the neighbors
What was your worst job ever? (answer this with caution... lol) This craphole

Frantic Work Emails: How I Love Thee

I work for a fancy TV station... or at least the only one we really have here in cowtown. It has its ups and its downs, its crappy camera shots and "Shit!" moments with the tape decks, and of course its fair share of beautiful people to gawk at. (Okay, not really. They hired me... come on.) It also has some great email moments. I had a camera shift during the 10 o'clock news tonight and I had nothing better to do, so I copied and pasted some great email moments and sent them to myself. It was the first personal email I've received in about two years. Being anti-social: It's my verb.


Example 1:

"We are missing 6 blocks of cheese and 2 packages of bacon from the downstairs refrigerator. Please return it immediately.

This will be considered a theft if not returned."

I don't know about you guys, but I don't want cheese theft on my permanent record. I have important things to do with my life. As for the bacon, there are a few people who work there who would probably enjoy playing with pig carcass. You know who you are.


Example 2:

"There will be a RV and trailer parked out back by the sat yard fence which will be there till Friday. Please don’t call the police or a tow truck or freak out because it’s there, because the owner has been given approval to park there till Friday."

I always freak out and call the police when I see RV's. You know who usually drives them? Old people. I'm watching you, old people. Can you imagine the 911 call?

"911. What is your emergency?"
"There's an RV in our parking lot. I wouldn't have called, but anyone who would voluntarily RV to Twin Falls is obviously mentally imbalanced. Send someone soon before they kill us... or feed us green jello."

Facebook Games: The Anti-Having to Go Outside in Idaho

This was a fun facebook game, and it helped me delve even further into my current Beatles obsession. My neighbors thought I had calmed down and realized other music existed back in July. Little did they know, it was only a ruse...




Here's the game:
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.
Pass it on to a few people you like and include me.
You can't use the band I used.
Try not to repeat a song title

Pick your artist:
The Beatles

Are you a male or a female:
Another Girl

Describe yourself.
Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey

How do you feel?
Money (That's What I Want)

Describe where you currently live.
Yellow Submarine

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Across the Universe

Your favorite form of transportation:
Blackbird

Your best friend is?
Mean Mr. Mustard

You and your best friends are:
Piggies

What's the weather like?
Here Comes the Sun

What's your favorite time?
Any Time at All

If your life was a T.V. show, what would it be called?
Happiness is a Warm Gun

What is life to you?
You Won't See Me

Your last relationship:
Don't Bother Me

Your current relationship:
For No One

Your fear:
I Am the Walrus

What is the best advice you have to give?
All You Need is Love

Thought for the day:
Think for Yourself

How would you like to die:
Run for Your Life

Your soul's present condition:
I'm Looking Through You

Your motto:
I Me Mine