So I got off from work earlier, and my friend, the lovely and talented Ben, told me to write some movie reviews. I strive to be very useful and to enrich my friends' lives with quality information. In that spirit, here are some movie reviews.
The Bourne Ultimatum - Sometimes you just gotta smack some bitches around. And sometimes the best action flick ever needs little more for a plot than smacking some bitches who messed with you around. Rent it as soon as possible and watch it with your bitches.
Once Upon a Time in Mexico - This film incorporates a very important lesson. Don't spill coffee on Johnny Depp's arm unless you are willing to accept the death penalty. I'm glad this movie made us aware of the dire circumstances. And you guys think I'm crazy for avoiding Starbucks like the plague.
Dude Where's My Car? - This film answers the age old question: What do you do when aliens invade the Earth and are determined to destroy it? You entrust the fate of the galaxy to the dudes who can get a pizza on the ceiling and keep it there. Clearly they know something we don't know about gravity. I recommend this movie to descendants of Isaac Newton. It also shows the dangers of forgetting where one's car is parked. One will promptly be attacked by every jock, restaurant manager, alien, and pot-loving dog within a 10 mile radius. It's propaganda for the cyclist movement. They're plotting the demise of the automobile.
Legends of the Fall - No matter how gorgeous you are and how perfect your long, luxurious hair is, scruffy Brad Pitt will be prettier than you. Just give up now, Anthony Hopkins. Crazy white dudes who run around scalping everyone and pulling knives on their girlfriends are total dude and chick magnets. I recommend this film to sane clean shaven men who are having a difficult time attracting mates.
The Prestige - Every one needs an extra Christian Bale, for when Hugh Jackman gets out of line. I'm glad someone finally admitted it.
Monday, May 25, 2009
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