I miss BS University

You know, I always thought that once I graduated college, I'd just be stoked. No more all nighters, no more eating popcorn with crackers and trying to justify that as a real meal, and no more taking a mortgage out on my life to pay for books. You know, when I was a stupid freshman and actually BOUGHT books. Alas, there are many things I've been missing about it since graduating. Here are a few examples.

1. Trying to find topical youtube videos to watch in order to say that it really was studying. "What? I was studying for a media law and ethics class and watching an special on the civilization living within Geraldo Rivera's mustache!"

2. Finding various ways to steal cups from the dorm cafeteria. Mostly this just consisted of taking a crapload of cups filled with Gatorade and sitting right next to the jocks like I was one of them. The only thing that didn't look right was a five foot three white girl sitting with the men's basketball team. They were so drunk they didn't notice anyway.

3. Finding appropriate side dishes for Ramen. Mostly this consisted of more Ramen... and sometimes a stolen ketchup packet. And they say college kids don't get their daily recommended intake of fruits and vegetables. Pff!

4. Finding ways to get around never buying my textbooks. This was usually accomplished by using my sexuality to my advantage. Or at least that's what I said. Usually I just promised to do half of a group project just so I could copy all the pages of the book... and then never read them. I just included Bob Saget in all of my essay questions and the power of Danny Tanner got me a passing grade.

5. Buying 4 pints of Ben & Jerry's a week and then complaining that I didn't have enough money for food.

6. Compensating for number five by trying each kind of food in the cafeteria and then promptly getting food poisoning.

7. Stealing forks to get even for number 6. Note to future cafeteria thieves: It's not a good idea to put them in your pants pocket. I mean, unless you need to practice for your upcoming roommate assignment with Hannibal Lector.

8. Going to bed at four AM for no discernable reason. All I'd remember was some youtube video with a trumpet-playing dog and an infomercial on pipe-cutting knives.

9. Asking myself the question, "What would Conan do?" before every major decision. Then I'd just end up putting on a wolf puppet and insulting everyone.

10. Packing up at the end of a school year and wondering where the hell all of my socks went. Then blaming my roommates because I knew deep down, they were sock fiends.