How to Survive Retail and Still Maintain a Clean Criminal Record

So as is generally the case in my life, when something has me down, I make as much fun of it as possible. This includes my crappy post-college grad job at Lowe's. I decided to write a book about it. It will likely never be published, but that will lead to my next book: Why Will Publishers Print Twilight and Not My Ingenious Literary Endeavors? Anyway, here are the prologue and the first chapter. They're short. Enjoy them. Commiserate with me. Continue to not read Twilight.



Prologue - So You’ve Landed a Retail Job

Maybe you’re a high school student landing your very first job. Maybe you’re a college student just trying to afford those books you’re never going to read. Maybe you’ve just graduated college and your philosophy degree is not appealing to employers. Maybe you’re just trying to make ends meet. Either way, you’ve found yourself in a retail job.

As you don your brightly colored smock, you sit down in the training room ready to embark on your new, exciting, slightly above minimum wage job. You’re not sure what to expect. I’m here to help ease you into this jarring experience, and tell you just what you need to do to stay alive.



Chapter One - Staying Awake During Training

In your first few hours, days, or weeks, depending on how much your employer enjoys wasting the time of new employees, you will be training. You’ll probably be with a group of other unfortunates who find themselves in the same break room, getting ready to fill out W-2’s and drown their sorrows in a jar of peanut butter later. You’ll awkwardly play “My Life Story in 20 Seconds,” where one person will inevitably share way too much, and those nearest that person will subtly move their chairs away and pretend to be very interested in the clicky pen they were just given.

As soon as this session of TMI 101 and filling out paperwork that no one actually reads is finished, it’s time for the intro video. This video will undoubtedly be hosted by someone who took 25 anti-depression pills or just drank 35 quarts of Kool-Aid. It depends on whether or not their random employee drug tests are going to be administered any time soon.

The video will cover the amazing benefits of the health insurance they offer. A deductible of only $150,000! After working there for a period of only 57 years, you’ll be able to cover that! If you’re part-time, you won’t be eligible. You will, however, get an exciting partial-benefit. You’ll get more information on this later.

It will also cover the best way to approach customer service. Armed with the smile of a homicidal clown, the host will ask each customer will the enthusiasm of a coked up Mr. Rogers if they need any help. The customer will ask them something, and the host will immediately know every single detail of all the products available. He will spew out more information than an encyclopedia article on the topic will produce. Finally, he will thank the customer and tell them to come again. The tone of his voice is reassuring. It carries with it an air of, “Come again, so we can harvest your organs.”

He will then introduce the exact same scenario 37 times. Three days later, it will finish and you will be given a quiz. This will consist of everyone exchanging answers after the training manager leaves the room. Everyone will miraculously get 100%. The hiring manager will be extremely impressed. This is one of the best training sessions they’ve ever administered!

Not too long after this, you’ll be shown the loss prevention video. You are told that you are never, under any circumstances, to follow someone who set off the EAS alarm to their car. You are also definitely not supposed to get into your car and follow them home. This is unacceptable behavior. You’re also not supposed to tackle them. I mean, geeze, people, where do you get these ideas? It’s clear that these training sessions are designed for fiends such as yourselves.

The loss prevention video will also show you that it’s never a good idea to steal from your company. The manager administering the video will then mean to subtly scan the room for signs of fear or defiance, but they will be the only person to actually think no one notices. They’re trying to weed out the bad ones. The ones who will have the audacity to put a dresser in their pocket when no one’s looking. Those are the ones they want to watch out for.

After instilling the fear of the gods of retail management in you, it’s time for the store tour. You really won’t pay attention because you’ll either still be quaking in your boots from the loss prevention video or you’ll be too busy wondering what went wrong in your life that led you to this point in your life: A tour showcasing all the customers with telephone poles up their butts who you’ll be serving, the crappy products you have to pretend to believe in, and that creepy guy hanging out in the bathing suit section.

Congratulations, though. You’ve finished the basics. Now it’s time to learn the intricacies of operating a cash register. It’s a drawn out procedure, complete with a variety of curve balls thrown your way. Five minutes later, you’re a master. You can now embark on your exciting new career.