So, as I was standing around at work today, flashing my trademark "I'm so happy I will kill you" smile, I got to thinking about when I will finally have enough money saved to quit and get the hell out of here. Oh, that blessed day. It can't come soon enough. Anyway, I've never been fired before. I've never burned any bridges. It's time for a change. This job may have to get the Looney Toon TNT treatment. Here are various methods of getting canned that I have devised. I will tell you in one to five months if I decide to utilize one of them.
1) Pulling a Jim Halpert and putting a table saw in jello. It would require dedication and actually learning to make something in the kitchen without burning it down, but I'm ready for it.
2) Leaving an anonymous parcel in a particular manager's box. It will include a contact card for a surgeon, along with a note saying, "If you ever decide to seek surgical consult for that telephone pole shoved up your butt." Actually, I'd need one for each manager's box.
3) Suddenly wearing a Home Depot shirt to work, acting disoriented, and telling my managers to stop joking around. "Come on, where'd you get these Lowe's vests? Who the hell would shop there?"
4) Going across the street to WinCo and systematically switching all of our carts with theirs, leaving sales flyers for each store in said carts.
5) Removing all the loss prevention tags from tools and putting them on sodas and seed packets.
6) Paging "clean up on aisle six" every five minutes until there actually is a clean up needed on aisle six; then telling the customer that we don't do that.
7) Removing all the toilet paper from all of the bathroom stalls and then scolding customers for complaining about it. "We care about the environment here. Use the Xlerator hand dryer, you tree killer!"
8) Paging the manager on duty to random aisles from different phones and with different voices until he gives up. Then telling the regional manager that said manager blatantly ignored calls for help. Advocate a sit down with him about his priorities.
9) Calling in with as many ridiculous reasons as you can imagine. "My dog took a bite of my ice cream. I had to buy some more. They were out of my favorite flavor at the grocery store, so I had to go to Nevada." "My cat sneezed on me, so I tried to disinfect my face. I sprayed too much, and now I'm dead." "My goldfish died yesterday and we're having a service for it tonight at the McDonald's bathroom. I'm too distraught to come in."
10) Pushing big blue lumber carts into displays repeatedly, blaming "equilibrium issues."
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Oh, I wish I could still say I've never been fired... Well, I guess I still could since I was technically laid off, but it's the SAME THING. THEY let ME go. Douchers. So I'm a little bitter.
ReplyDeleteI also wish I could say that I haven't burn any bridges. Unfortunately, I'm the girl leaving the trail of gasoline as I make my grand exit and then throw a torch onto it so it goes up in a blaze of glory!
These were all hilarious. If you're gonna go out, might as well do it BIG! I loved #9, haha!